( her lips press together, and she has to take this slowly; things she has felt so deeply, so far down that there weren't words for them, the shape of those shadows hollowed out by the things she could say, write into her art. live in the things that she sought out, and the pain that wasn't always an accident—
she holds onto him. )
I would just...I wouldn't make plans. My life wasn't my own to end so it would be...selfish, to do that, but I would...do things. I would get myself into trouble and I would think—you know, what's the worst that happens? I die?
( her laugh is breathless. mirthless. )
I don't have to feel guilty if someone else does it. If I can tell myself I didn't choose, I just didn't care—and I can keep secrets, you know, my lord worked so hard and so constantly to keep me safe and under his nose, under his roof I would find ways to flout it, I'd play games with myself. If I can think of a worse thing I could be doing, then it's fine for me to do this terrible thing, because it isn't as bad. I can rationalize anything I want, if I want to. I have practised.
Alexander was, um. ( yeah cool just bring up your most recent ex with your husband, but— ) We were sleeping together, for a while, after my mother died, and he's—we have similar...tastes. You know.
( lex would do things in bed that thranduil will not, is what she's getting at. he can guess. )
And he was horrified about how—irresponsible I'd been. He wasn't gentle, but he was so careful. Deliberate. I'd never done that before, it'd—it was never purposeful, I'd never been—safe. I'd never known if I said stop, we'd stop. And I'd never had that conversation, or...put it into that context, I'd never made myself look at it. I'd never even thought someone else would be bothered that I didn't.
( a beneficial experience, in some ways, to navigating the things she and thranduil can do, and the things they can't. less unprepared for what he cares about. )
So when I tell you that I want to live, ( turning her cheek against his chest, her head tucked beneath his chin, ) I want you to know that I know what I'm saying. I can't promise that I won't get hurt. That that won't happen. But I spent a long fucking time not caring if it did, and I care now, I care so fucking much. I want to live. I will work so hard to come back to you for as long as I can. I have so many things to live for, and I want them. I don't want to do any of it without you.
no subject
( her lips press together, and she has to take this slowly; things she has felt so deeply, so far down that there weren't words for them, the shape of those shadows hollowed out by the things she could say, write into her art. live in the things that she sought out, and the pain that wasn't always an accident—
she holds onto him. )
I would just...I wouldn't make plans. My life wasn't my own to end so it would be...selfish, to do that, but I would...do things. I would get myself into trouble and I would think—you know, what's the worst that happens? I die?
( her laugh is breathless. mirthless. )
I don't have to feel guilty if someone else does it. If I can tell myself I didn't choose, I just didn't care—and I can keep secrets, you know, my lord worked so hard and so constantly to keep me safe and under his nose, under his roof I would find ways to flout it, I'd play games with myself. If I can think of a worse thing I could be doing, then it's fine for me to do this terrible thing, because it isn't as bad. I can rationalize anything I want, if I want to. I have practised.
Alexander was, um. ( yeah cool just bring up your most recent ex with your husband, but— ) We were sleeping together, for a while, after my mother died, and he's—we have similar...tastes. You know.
( lex would do things in bed that thranduil will not, is what she's getting at. he can guess. )
And he was horrified about how—irresponsible I'd been. He wasn't gentle, but he was so careful. Deliberate. I'd never done that before, it'd—it was never purposeful, I'd never been—safe. I'd never known if I said stop, we'd stop. And I'd never had that conversation, or...put it into that context, I'd never made myself look at it. I'd never even thought someone else would be bothered that I didn't.
( a beneficial experience, in some ways, to navigating the things she and thranduil can do, and the things they can't. less unprepared for what he cares about. )
So when I tell you that I want to live, ( turning her cheek against his chest, her head tucked beneath his chin, ) I want you to know that I know what I'm saying. I can't promise that I won't get hurt. That that won't happen. But I spent a long fucking time not caring if it did, and I care now, I care so fucking much. I want to live. I will work so hard to come back to you for as long as I can. I have so many things to live for, and I want them. I don't want to do any of it without you.